Go Away

This post is in solidarity with the #metoo social media trend to highlight the prevalence of sexual assault and harassment among women. I wrote this in my journal several months ago after an unfortunately common instance of street harassment. This may be a trigger for some, but I hope that the movement overall helps bring greater self-reflection, respect, and empathy in our actions and interactions.

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I stood up for myself and told him to go away.
I don't remember all that was said, but I know I told him to go away and he did. And immediately after, I felt so proud for making myself heard.

I wanted to tell everyone that for once the strength of my words enforced my right to respect. Pleased with myself and the outcome. But it doesn't take long to wear off.

I'm soon reminded of all the times that my voice held no power over other men's actions and words, and all the other times I felt powerless to even speak.

Each incident is a reminder of the others in the past and what's likely to repeat in the future:
Forced smiles and obligatory thank you's, hoping they'll be enough to appease some man's misplaced desire to feel appreciated. The fear and anger and disgust in considering what could happen if he's not satisfied. Being violated at the expense of his "compliment".

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I've had enough.

I don't need your compliments. I loath your approval. I wish you could see me as ugly as your unwanted attention makes me feel. I know my beauty is something greater than your eyes or hands will ever understand, and you don't deserve to witness it.

So shut up.
Don't even look at me.
Go away.

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Then I'll obsess over what I should have said not just so you would leave me alone, but so you might go away thinking about how to do better. Because I want you to do better. I know you can do better.

No, not all men intend to do harm, but that doesn't mean you can ignore the harm that is done. The frequency, the normalcy, and the complacency cause more damage than you probably realize. This happens too often to just let it go, and I need your help to make it go away.